Wahsuuup?
Debauchee the debaucherous here. So, I had a pretty crazy weekend and after getting thrown out of D-wanky's party, I thought I'd share some tips on how to ruin your very own party like a pro. Sho buckle up, bozo, here are my top five ways to turn any house party into a compweet disaster.
1. Show Up Uninvited
Wanna be the gweatest nightmare guest? Just show up unannounced and uninvited, reeking of cigarettes and sweaty sex socks. Bonus points if you bring along a bunch of randos nobody knows, including yourself! Heck, invite the dude who camps outside the liquor store. He'll love use of the facilities!
2. Empty the Fridge
What’s a party without booze? Chug every beer as quick as you can and raid the fridge. Cook something awful like burnt pasta or messy pancakes. Sharing? Overrated. And remember, cleaning up is for nerds.
3. Only Talk About Yourself
Nothing screams insecurity like nonstop yammering about yourself. Jump from group to group, bragging about your latest exploits. Bonus points if you disrupt couples. Always try to start a fight with anyone who disagrees with you. Extra points for bringing up politics, selling NFTs, or testing pickup lines from Andrew Tate.
4. Start a Terribly great Drinking Game
Who doesn’t love chaos? Start a drinking game with absurd physical challenges. Flunkyball with a bowling ball indoors? Pin the tail on the priceless painting? Plate shooting? Hell yeah! Sit back and enjoy as everything goes to hell.
5. Break Something Valuable
Wanna be remembered? Break something precious. Hype up the crowd before body-slamming that glass coffee table or smashing a cherished heirloom. You can't spell "great party" without "destruction"… or can you? I dunno, I can’t spell.
6. Call the Cops and Lock the Doors
My favourite way to end the night with a bang. Call the cops on a fake emergency, lock the doors, and watch the chaos as everyone panics. Pure entertainment.
There you have it, six foolproof ways to ruin a house party and make sure you're never invited back. Who needs friends anyway?
Enjoy the brews and keep it dirty like a martini.
Your class A-hole fuzzy fwiend, Debauchee 🥃
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